Our Evangelical Savior

By Lib Droffem

What is so encouraging to me is to see such immense expenditures of time, energy, and especially money spent on things that most people not only will never notice, but even when it is pointed out to them, they will just not care about. That is the mission for me and my fellow conservative "Christians." We are driven, obsessed even, to the transformational work of turning the extraordinary into the ordinary, the miraculous into the routine, and the obscure into the Himalayas of outrage. 

donald trump's presidency has been even better than the second coming of Jesus because trump will do exactly what we want. While theological elitists claim that God has called God's followers to "serve" others and put the welfare of others ahead of their own, these are also the sissy do-gooders who do things like eat our vegetables and exercise. Thank God trump isn't like that at all. Instead, trump grants our every wish, defends us against people who we never even knew were out to get us like the media, and demonizes people we tend to not be around (like strong women and Black people). So, instead of being made to eat our vegetables, its cotton candy and snickers all day every day! 

Case in point: the Health and Human Services Department has decided to create a new regulation that will create a sweeping religious exemption for health care providers. Hospitals, insurance companies, doctors and even schedulers will now be able to use their religion to justify denying health care to patients who need it. Patients could even be denied life-saving care if they don't like someone and want to use religion to shade their discrimination. 

Me and my fellow "Christians" love this rule! How dare "those" people "force" us to do our job by granting people access to healthcare. How selfish it is that they expect affordable and comprehensive healthcare! Theological elitists say that followers of Jesus should be expected to do their job and minister to everyone, even those they disagree with, with love and compassion. But remember my friends, we aren't talking about following Jesus - we are talking about Crusader trump and his love and compassion for us "Christians!" Hey, if we didn't feel sorry for ourselves, who would? 

Crusader trump has come so that we "Christians" will have life and life abundantly. He will prevent the continued persecution that me and my fellow "Christians" have suffered from for years; persecution for having to actually do our jobs or to have to expend any love or compassion to others (I mean we only have so much love and compassion and we might as well save that for people who really matter - you know, people like us). Crusader trump will protect all of us from having to ever actually "be" Christian. Thank God (or thank trump I should say)! I have taken the spiritual gifts test and I failed miserably, so I DEFINITELY do not want to have to actually "be" Christian. I mean, who has time? Instead, we can just bask in the knowledge that he will fight for our "rights" to be Americans rather than "Christians" so that we can focus on the more important stuff. 

Stuff like ice cream. 

Yep, no need to join the young leaders of today who led a march of 800,000 people in Washington DC last Saturday in an effort to stop gun violence from taking innocent lives. And I am sure that the thousands of refugees - who are stuck in limbo because they have been prevented from entering into the United States because the administration has lowered the number from an average of 70,000 refugees per year to just over 10,000 expected for fiscal year 2018 - yeah, the refugees will be able to fend for themselves. And we definitely do not need to care about the hundreds of thousands of undocumented immigrants who have been deported, almost none of whom present any real threat to their communities; thousands of families ripped apart, war veterans deported, pastors deported, children deported, etc. Crusader trump has saved us from having to expend any of our love or compassion on anyone except those who deserve our love and compassion; you know, ourselves!

But we MUST remain focused on ice cream! A new Toronto-based ice cream shop has chosen the name "Sweet Jesus" and my fellow "Christians" are rightfully enraged! Blasphemy! Sure, donald trump screwed around on his wife, even while she was pregnant, with Stormy and a Playboy playmate, but Sweet Jesus! Have you seen what they looked like? Who can blame him? No seriously, who is blaming him? The fake news media? I will take Crusader trump's tweets over their words any day, especially considering how the media tends to construct specific words into a certain order to form complete sentences and paragraphs so as to communicate a logical thought that many of us can supposedly "understand." HA! We see through their logic and transparency! 

My fellow "Christians," forget about preventing gun violence, or welcoming refugees, or providing sanctuary to immigrants! The real danger we need to address is Toronto-based ice cream! Sweet Jesus is our enemy! Sweet Jesus is someone, sorry, something that we must stop! The world must never know that Sweet Jesus exists! And thanks to me and my fellow "Christians" they likely will never hear about Sweet Jesus. He belongs only to us. Just like Crusader trump, our Savior. 

Lib Droffem is a man's man who owns American cars made in Japan and hunts neighborhood animals with an AR-15. Lib reads Field and Stream magazine and refuses to look at the pictures. Lib eats ice cream from the bottom up and doesn't wash his face afterwards. Lib enjoys Arby's commercials. Lib hates all poetry, but he has never read a complete sentence. Lib speaks Haiku. You can't follow Lib, you can only wonder when or if he will appear. Lib is an American idol. 

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