An Evangelical Letter to Jesus

By Bill Mefford

Dear Jesus,

I am writing this to better explain my actions as of late. I think there has been some misunderstanding and I have been unfairly characterized as some kind of “bad person” when you can ask around – I am anything but that! So, please permit me to not just share what I have done, but what I meant by my actions. I think you will see I always acted with the best of intentions.

I understand, since you are like, the Savior of the world and all, you don’t like racism. I don’t like racism either! I wasn’t crazy about Colin Kaepernick kneeling for our National Anthem, but I am not about to cut up my Nike’s over it - they cost over $200! I am so against racism I won’t let anyone around me get away with making racist statements, white or black! If I knew someone who was black and I heard them making a racist statement I would speak right up!

I would say I am color blind, but I know that is offensive to people who really are color blind. I have a 3rd cousin who is color blind and I know how challenging life has been for him so I am careful not to throw around so offensive a term. Instead, I will just quote my favorite bible verse, “Red, yellow black, and white, we are all precious in His sight.” I forget where that is located, but it is my favorite memory verse.

Listen, I know I am not Martin Luther King (though that is my favorite holiday in January!), but I am also not riding around minority neighborhoods in a white hood! I only use that in my own neighborhood and only for Halloween when everyone knows it’s a joke.

I am not perfect, but I have had the best of intentions.

Speaking of minority neighborhoods, I did serve on the missions task force at my church that brought in an Angel Tree every Christmas for church people to give gifts to children of people who are in prison. I know you said you wanted us to visit those in prison, but seriously? Scripture says a lot of things that there really is no realistic way of doing. Prisons are probably just much more dangerous than in your time. So, visiting people in prison? Yeah, I don’t think so. I mean, their children are so much more cute, especially the ones I see on the posters for Angel Tree Christmas!

I think it is easier for people to help poor children rather than visit directly the dangerous criminals who belong in our prisons. We need to keep our streets safe and I especially know this because the streets in my gated community are the safest around! So, I think the best thing for me to do, besides keeping my own street safe and secluded, is to continue to buy toys for those cute kids on the posters.

I may make a few mistakes every now and then, but I know I have the best of intentions.

You know more than anyone, we have to do what is best for our children. I almost cried so hard when I saw pictures of reporters on the news talking about how the current administration is separating children from their families. I almost cried harder when I heard the administration is cutting the number of refugees allowed into the United States to 30,000, or 33% lower than last year (which was an all-time low until this year).

Now, I of course believe we need vetting of the dangerous refugees in case any al Quaeda are hiding as a refugee or crossing the southern border at night. I know you, Jesus, were a refugee and even you were vetted before you came down to earth from heaven - talk about extreme vetting! There is so much divide over this issue that it makes me almost care deeply. But I think we should quit all the fighting and find a compromise. I believe we should open the borders for all people as soon as we seal every port of entry shut entirely. Now, isn’t everyone happy?

As you can see by my willingness to always compromise and avoid being “political” at all costs, I always have had the best of intentions.

And this brings me to the most important part of this letter - me and my kids! That is why, even after moving out to the farthest suburb I could find, and even after finding the best schools in our area, I just had to home school my kids. I had heard so many terrible things about the neighborhood schools – there were more than three fights in one school year on the brand new playgrounds, there was cussing in the school hallways, and one of the girls from our church who goes to the high school even got pregnant. Never mind it was on the church youth ski trip – you know she learned that behavior from her school! Look at what happens when they remove God from the schools – girls get pregnant on their church ski trips!

Me and my closest friends from church – all of whom are homeschooling – have contextualized your saying, “Let the children come to me,” into our motto, “Let our children stay with us.” We have to do this with most of your teaching otherwise being a Christian wouldn’t be “seeker-friendly.”

I still stay active in my local school system though. I have signed so many petitions demanding that they put school prayer back into the schools. Do you know how many girls would not get pregnant on their church ski trips if they had school prayer again? No, I really was asking, do you have any idea? I bet it’s a lot.

Anyway, I was raised by my church to take responsibility to love those nearest me and thanks to the gated community we live in, in a suburb miles from the nearest town or city, those nearest me also happen to look just like me so loving them is so wonderful for me.

Thank you Jesus, for giving me such great intentions.

So, as I write all of this I am a little baffled. As you can see, I am far from perfect, but I have a good heart and I do my absolute best, within reasonable limits. So, why did you send me to hell? I would like a second chance if possible.

And oh, did I mention that I did Disciple Bible study like three times, I’ve read every Beth Moore book, and practically memorized the Purpose-Driven Life? Doesn’t that count for something?

Please respond as soon as you can – it is a little stifling down here. But the one good thing is, I am surrounded by so many people I know; all of my friends who have the best of intentions.

Love,

Your Favorite Evangelical “Christian”

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