Introducing the Scourge of United Methodist Fundamentalism: Forces Against Religious Triumphalism

By Lib Droffem

I am proud to announce the creation of a group that is so long in coming, so anticipated, and I am sure who will be so welcomed by all people in the United Methodist Church because we know the church is always open to innovation and creativity. I am talking about a new group of people who are the essence of progressivism, the defenders of the liberal mythology called “reality,” the romanticists of the poor, the over-lookers of liberal inconsistencies, the relativizers of all things relative, the titans of tolerance, and the most dismal, but strident believers in the ethic, “if-it-feels-good-do-it-but-don’t-let-anyone-see-you-enjoy-it.” I give you the Forces Against Religious Triumphalism.

This new organization, Forces Against Religious Triumphalism, or F.A.R.T for short, is dedicated to our version of truth, institutional statements about justice two weeks after an injustice has been committed, and the Aztlan way. For too long fundamentalist groups within the United Methodist Church have whined and cried when things haven’t gone their way, while bullying others when they are in control. F.A.R.T. has decided it is our time to cry and whine. We’d bully too, but things never go our way so we don’t know how.

F.A.R.T. has studied the success of the fundamentalist groups in the UMC and we are ready to follow in their footsteps; almost like when there was two sets of footsteps on the beach, except when we look back and we see only one set of footsteps we know it is because of climate change and the rising tide of the oceans which caused the other set to be washed away. Damn deregulations!

First lesson from the United Methodist fundy’s: we know that when we quote leaders who we disagree with it is important to selectively and creatively use quotation marks in ways that make our point, but have nothing to do with what they actually said. For example, when reached for comment on the introduction of F.A.R.T., one the leaders of the fundy groups said, and I kind of quote, “Hi” I thoroughly hate all liberals “and” I wish they would leave the church, “goodbye.” I was shocked by this almost quote. I am sure you are too. And that is why F.A.R.T. is here now. Like a gentle breeze that always that keeps the smell in our face, F.A.R.T. will always linger beyond what is comfortable, never really going away.

Another important tactic F.A.R.T. will be using, as modeled by our fundy friends, is the selective use of “facts,” or what our fundy friends call, “liberal fantasies.” For instance, did you know that every war started by pacifists has ended in a tie? 60% of the time “facts” are used, they work 100% of the time. You can write that down.

And the most important strategy F.A.R.T. has learned is to find a few Scriptures and beat the living hell out of your opponents with them. Theological arguments are never officially over until the other side is curled up into a fetal position begging for it to stop. Even if you have just six verses to use, that is sufficient. And rest assured, as soon as F.A.R.T. starts to believe in Scripture you will see that we will indeed use it viciously. Nothing saves someone you hate like being beat up by the Bible. We’d tell them to go to hell if we believed in it.

I think we all agree that in the church today the rise of fundamentalist groups has been necessary to watch for every mistake of liberals and then to write long, senseless blog posts. Accountability in the biblical Greek actually means “being shamed into righteousness.” The best kind of accountability is the kind you never asked for or wanted. So, our pledge to you is this, as the fundy groups stalk the liberals in the church, pointing out their every weakness and mistake, so F.A.R.T. we will be stalking the fundy’s, mocking and jeering, shaming and blaming. I can almost hear Jesus cry he is laughing so hard.

Yes, F.A.R.T. is the long-awaited answer to every 18 paragraph, written-down, spiritually-empty, liberal, Scriptureless prayer. And we know, there have been so many.

So, be on the lookout for F.A.R.T., for we make only one promise. We won’t be silent, but we won’t be deadly either. 

Lib Droffem is a man's man who owns a real dog and hunts neighborhood animals. Lib reads Field and Stream magazine and refuses to look at the pictures. Lib eats ice cream from the bottom up and doesn't wash his face afterwards. Lib enjoys Arby's commercials. Lib hates all poetry, but he has never read a complete sentence. Lib speaks Haiku. You can't follow Lib, you can only wonder when or if he will appear. Lib is an American idol. 

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